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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24726460">What's in the box, Shepard?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidheLives/pseuds/SidheLives'>SidheLives</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:07:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,987</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24726460</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidheLives/pseuds/SidheLives</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is picking up a requisition on Illium, and she won't tell Joker what it is.<br/>Of course that doesn't mean he won't find out.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Shepard &amp; Garrus Vakarian, Jeff "Joker" Moreau &amp; Female Shepard, Jeff "Joker" Moreau &amp; Garrus Vakarian, Jeff "Joker" Moreau &amp; Shepard, Shepard &amp; Garrus Vakarian, Thane Krios/Female Shepard, Thane Krios/Shepard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What's in the box, Shepard?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Won't be long, Joker," Quint checked her weapons again, a recognizable habit even when she was heading to a relatively safe area like Ilium. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You always say that." The pilot peered over his shoulder at her. "Then fourteen people try to kill you and you end up rescuing kittens from trees."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smirked. "I just need to pick up some cargo, sign some autographs, maybe pop into Liara's office if she's got a few minutes to chat. Shouldn't be too time intensive."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Cargo from </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ilium</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" Joker rubbed his palms together excitedly. "Oh, ho, ho! What new toy are you picking up this time? Something stupid illegal and explosive, I hope."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's, uh, classified." She rubbed the back of her neck with one hand, eye averting from his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh huh." He said doubtfully. "Sure it is. But what is it really?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She glowered "It's a whole case of none of Joker's damn business."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed. "Whatever you say Commander."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Quint continued to glare at him suspiciously, distrusting the ease with which he dropped the topic, as he turned back around. "See you soon then."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Remember Miranda is in charge while I'm gone. If she gives you shit react exactly the way you would to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ignore her completely, got it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good man." The airlock made an audible hiss as it closed behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker waited several minutes, carefully examining engine stats, until he was sure Quint wasn't going to come back for her keys. "EDI. What is she picking up?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I believe the Commander specifically called the information confidential, Mister Moreau." EDI's voice emanated from the console to his left, the soft light of her holographic display pulsing in time with her words. "Even if I knew the content of the cargo, I would not be at liberty to share that information with you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed in exasperation. "What exactly is the point of having a hyper intelligent surveillance bot if you won't even help with this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am not a hyper intelligent surveillance bot. I am a—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker cut her off. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just get Kelly on the com, will ya?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Connecting you to Yeoman Chambers."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey Joker! What can I do for you?" Kelly sounded chipper as always.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shep said she's picking up a req on Illium, do you know what it is?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hmm," she paused and Joker guessed she was tapping away at her console. "Don't know off the top of my head, but I'll see if I can look it up. Why are you asking?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Idle curiosity." He shrugged, despite knowing she couldn't see him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why don't you ask the commander?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I did. She wouldn't tell me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly paused. "Should I be looking this up for you, then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here's the thing, Kelly. The fact that Quint wouldn't tell me is exactly why I need to know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't make any sense."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't tell me you're not curious. If it was related to the mission she'd </span>
  <em>
    <span>totally</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell me, so what is it she doesn't want me to know about?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I suppose when you put it like that it is intriguing…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Exactly. And if it's something super embarrassing you can make the call to not tell me. Win-win."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitated. "Oh, alright. Give me a moment to pull up the requestion."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes! Thank you Kelly!" Joker pumped his fist in excitement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I must express my disapproval for this course of action, Mister Moreau." Even the rhythm of her light pulses seemed chastising.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course you do, because you're also a stick-in-the-mud bot." Joker rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Joker, I found it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He excitedly leaned over to the com. "What'cha got Kelly?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't see the itemized version of the invoice, just the overall receipt. It's from a company called Exquisite Expressions. Looks like an Asari owned beauty company."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker squinted in confusion. "Ha. Make-up? Quint? Yeah right. It must be for Miranda. Or maybe Gabby."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Or Jack. Or Samara." EDI chimed in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You seemed to be listing the names of female crew members. I thought I would assist."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly giggled. "I'll keep digging, Joker. I'll let you know what I find."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks Kelly." He looked sidelong at EDI's terminal. " I was listing people who would requisition make-up, EDI. I can't imagine Jack ordering fancy Asari lip stick."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Even I know enough about human females to know that Jack wears more make-up than Gabby." Garrus's sudden statement made Joker jump, roughly knocking his elbow on the arm of his seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ow." Joker grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The turian chuckled. "Sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's fine," he rubbed his elbow. "Probably just a fracture."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You are being overly dramatic, Mister Moreau. You have suffered no serious injury."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, thank you EDI for stating the obvious." He turned to Garrus, "What are you doing out of the battery? Finally finished those calibrations?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus shook his head. "You never </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> finish calibrating a gun like that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> don't." Joker laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ha ha, very funny." He crossed his arms. "I was just looking to stretch my legs. What are you talking about up here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Quint is picking up a requisition planet side. I want to know what it is."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus cocked his head curiously. "On Ilium? Probably something to more effectively make things dead."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I would have thought so too. But Quint got </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span> cagey what I asked what it was and according to Kelly it's from some fancy make-up company."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Quint?" Garrus was as dubious as Joker. "That can't be right."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's what I'm saying! It can't be for Quint, she has to be picking it up for someone else."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I don't see Quint running that kind of errand for just anyone, and why would she not tell you if that was the case?" Garrus was immediately as invested as Joker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Very good points." Joker put a hand to his chin in thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>" Hey Joker?" Kelly's voice crackled across the com. "I looked at the catalog of the company. They don't sell make-up. It's all lotions and skin creams and stuff. They have product lines for every known species in citadel space. Even hanar."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker and Garrus looked at each other, both hoping this new information sparked an epiphany in the other. Both were disappointed. "How does that help?" Joker asked incredulously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know, but it's apparently really good stuff. I'm looking at the human products. Really spendy but it's apparently the best you can get anywhere."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker sighed. "Thanks anyway Kelly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry I couldn't be more help. Good luck!" The com went silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, why would Quint need lotion?" Garrus asked after a pause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It could still be for someone else." Joker offered half-heartedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus chuckled. "Maybe she's making gift baskets for everyone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Gift baskets from Quint would be full of grenades and thermal clips."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That does sound more like her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They lapsed into silence as they thought. Joker was frustrated with Quint's uncanny ability to cover her tracks. Several minutes passed as he bounced different ideas around his brain, face twisted in concentration. "Maybe—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Joker." Both men jumped at Quint's voice as the cockpit's door silently slid open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wha— ha ha," he laughed nervously. "You're back soon, Quint."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raised an eyebrow at his reaction. "What are you up to? Why is Garrus here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just stretching my legs. Can't be calibrating every minute of the day." Garrus laughed anxiously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> could." She grinned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know, it stops being funny when you all make the same joke."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Where we going, Quint?' Joker changed the subject as nonchalantly as he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nuh uh. You're not getting out of this that easily." She crossed her arms and looked at him judgmentally. "Why are you both acting like you're up to no good?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We, uh," Joker began, trying to come up with a lie as he went. "Well, you see—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright Quint, you caught us." Garrus cut him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pilot looked at him incredulously. "Garrus I thought you were cool. Don't be a traitor."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She caught us Joker, no use lying about it now." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Quint stared the turian down, one tapping foot away from becoming a matronly school teacher. Garrus shrugged sheepishly. "Joker and I have been working on ranking all the women on board, by attractiveness. Obviously when you're around isn't the best time to have such a discussion." He scratched his neck in embarrassment. Joker paled and said nothing, Quint's smug smile indicated she took this reaction as confirmation of Garrus's story. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Man, he is good.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Joker thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And where exactly do I rank on your little list?" Quint moved her hands to her hips, the suspicion erased from her features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We obviously can't tell you that, Quint." Joker grinned, the expression faltering as she raised an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me and I'll forget this conversation ever happened."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker looked at Garrus who sighed. "You and Miranda are currently tied for the top of the list, hence our current debate."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tied? With </span>
  <em>
    <span>Miranda</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" She looked insulted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know, I know. But have you seen that ass?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Quint rolled her eyes. "Good to know even turian men are pigs." Garrus shrugged, not looking the least offended. "Carry on with your disgusting nonsense. And while you're at it maybe consider getting us to the Citadel please, Joker."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You got it Commander." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cockpit door closed behind her and they both sighed with relief. "That was incredible, Garrus. You're fucking brilliant."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He preened in response. "I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The com on Joker's control panel chirped. "Yeoman Chambers is attempting to reach you on the com, Mister Moreau."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker hit the button which accepted the contact. "What's up Kelly?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So it may not be related but I found something weird."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Weird like what?" Garrus leaned over joker's shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, hi Garrus!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi Kelly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anyway, I was looking over basic system settings and I saw that someone had been messing with the Normandy's environmental controls."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's weird about that? The environmental systems are always getting adjusted." Garrus sounded unimpressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, automatically. This was a manual override and only affected the settings in a single room."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joker sighed. "Are you going to be getting to the point anytime soon, Kelly?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, you're no fun. The point is it was the Commander's cabin. It's been dehumidified. Like completely. Zero humidity no matter what. It overrides the ship's equilibrium settings and everything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No humidity?" Joker gave Garrus a significant look to which he shrugged cluelessly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. I don't even know how you'd do a hard override like this. I think Katsumi must have been involved. That would totally explain the lotion though, you know? If her cabin is that dry all the time?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Great, that's great. Thanks Kelly." Joker responded hastily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Should I say something to the commander? Do you think she knows?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kelly. Do not say anything to the commander. She definitely knows. This conversation never happened as far as Shepard is concerned, you hear me?" Joker sounded frantic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But why would she want— ooooooh." Realization cut off Kelly's sentence and she cleared her throat. "Yep. Conversation never happened. Bye Joker." The com went dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus looked from the com to Joker's face, expression puzzled. "I don't get it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I take back that thing I said about you being brilliant." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There is one crew member aboard the Normandy SR2 who requires low humidity settings due to preexisting medical concerns." EDI pulsed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," said Garrus, then as understanding dawned: "Oooooh."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey EDI. Why didn't you rat us out when Quint was here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was curious."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"About the cargo or the conversation?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus chuckled. "Well, good for her. Now that the mystery is solved I should get back to the battery. Thanks for the entertainment Joker."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No problem, Garrus. Have fun calibrating." He turned to the control panel to begin their departure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, and Joker," Garrus turned back in the doorway. "Quint is absolutely more attractive than Miranda."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well obviously." He scoffed. "Looks like she's currently spoken for though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Garrus chuckled. "Suppose it does. Lucky drell bastard."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seriously."</span>
</p>
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